| so many things i want to say, but all the words are bottlenecked in my mouth. nothing seems to make that trip down my tongue. i am left mute and wet eyed.
this weekend was wonderful. too wonderful for this life and now it's gone and i'm back to everyday humdrum. lists of things to do that never get done. dishes done in silence. skin numbed to touch. music only i get to hear. i sit around my apartment with ghosts of self doubt. girls made of what if. i drink tea. i stretch. i sneeze.
finding out just how many people smile only to my face made me feel even lonlier here than i thought possible. cato makes situations so uncomfortable. cato says the most awkward things. cato is so obtuse. cato makes us run home to sanity and quiet and right. i. am. so. inconvienient.
at least i'm not a hypocrite. at least i'm not a gossip. at least i'll say to your face what others whisper behind my back.i have those sweets to roll around on my tongue. but i still end up sitting alone in the lunchroom.
i suppose in the end its just another place i'm not welcome. i'll add it to the list and have another cup of tea. i ruin everything i touch.
i feel much too large and clumsy. i went to hide. slip by unnoticed. blend into the background. slip between the cracks.
i can't remember what i was doing here. where is that ambition i was apparently once on fire with. what did i want again. can you repeat the question. |
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| our tastes transform so easily.
and suddenly you are wondering how you ever liked this in the first place. |
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| shit i like and am thankful for.
(here is a strange and bitter crop)
by cato.
\mr.gone.
\chocolate brownies and vanilla ice cream
\waking up to someone's hand on your skin
\pj harvey
\raspberries
\anais nin
\paris
\the feeling of wiggling your toes into warm sand
\torch songs
\billie holiday
\state of emergency by bjork
\reading the paper on a saturday morning and trading the sections.
\kissing someone with pouty pillow lips for the first time
\showers with good water pressure
\body shop nut body butter
\the album music to make sweet loving to your old lady by by lovage
\beautiful losers by leonard cohen
\extra large triple triples and a bananaberryburst muffin.
\camille paglia.
\effexor
\chuck palahniuk
\gender theory
\cheap pink wine that tastes like candy.
\little italy on summer nights
\bertolucci films in dark theatres with a hand on your thigh
\the thrill of seeing someone naked for the first time
\strongbow
\the word cunt
\massages that bring you back to your body
\bitchy humour
\sharing secrets that make you blush even in the dark
\vazaleen
\smoky jazz bars
\dufflets cakes.
\being underwater
\slow dancing in dark kitchens
\p.z. |
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| need a little love to ease the pain. |
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